five words

i felt sorry for myself today.

i started thinking about all the bad luck that has come my way and my families way over the years and i felt mad at the universe. 

i feel like there are too many people hurting in my life right now. too many people questioning their faith and anchoring their hope (myself included).

i write a lot about "moving on" about leaving the past in the past. 

about letting go. but even my own words weren't comforting today. 

i just kept getting pissed. it was easier. questioning everything. feeling sorry for myself.
i called to talk to my dad. he seems to always know what to say. as we were talking my mind sort of drifted off...

i remember when i got the phone call, "your brother has been in an accident, you need to call your parents." i really don't remember what happened after that. it was all just a blur of conversations, frantic tears that i never want to shed again and a sense of terrified denial wishing to be woken up…"wake me up, oh my God, please wake me up" all the while knowing it wasn't a dream. 

i find myself going back to that moment sometimes. it's one that plays like a movie in my head and i feel everything all over again. i have to hold my breath just to dictate reality for a second and know i'm in control when i finally let myself exhale. it's probably similar to the relief that someone feels the moment they reach for their ring finger and realize the wedding band is still there. only the realization for me, is that it did happen and because of it, pieces of me have been chipped away.

now don't get me wrong. i know that i am blessed beyond belief and i have a million things in my life to be thankful for. but that doesn't mean i am invincible. i count my blessing every morning. and every night i thank God for the people in my life and the things i have been given. but i am human and sometimes i count my failures, faults, defeats, my tribulations, bad luck and hardships too and tonight i was counting the latter.  

i started thinking about a friend who wrote a blog for me: To you…

"To you…" was written to me and i read it over and over tonight. and she is right when she says that life cannot be fair. and for all questions as to why it can't, there remains a single answer.

"i just don't get it dad, i don't know why all this has happened, i just want to move on, i just want the dark cloud to go away dad. it's not fair. i just wish it never happened" "i know abby, me too, but it's part of your journey."

and there's it is. five words. for all the times i've asked, why?

five words. like 5 nails in a coffin.

it's part of my journey.

not quite 30

so linda wrote a blog about not quite being in her mid 30s. about being okay with where she is and who she is and what she knows…for now.... she finished it with:

"now, your turn…"

so here i go with what i know about being not quite 30…

(this sort of reminds my of my "twenty-seven" blog so  i will try to not be repetitive.)

i will never own khaki pants. not ever. underline never.
i will miss my grandmothers for the rest of my life. and it's weird to say that (the rest of my life) but with certainty i will.
deep down i despise my cell phone. i wish i could survive without it. and because of it i cannot spell worth a shit anymore.

i love unconditionally 99% of the time.

my faith has been tested over and over and i'm not bitter about it.

i worry about things and then i try to pray about them more.

i am terrified to die naked. for real.

i am ok with being single. for real.

people have this weird saying "no regrets" and i think it's stupid. i regret a lot. and i'm okay with that.

i try to get a little bit closer to god every day.
i love to take baths, like almost every night.

i'm okay with the fact that i am still in college. still doing homework and still learning.
that my life today is significantly different from most of my closest friends. and that is okay.

i know apologizing is huge and forgiving is even huger! ya huger guys!

i've learned what is my business and what is not, and about 99% is not my business.

i know i am the luckiest girl in the world to have the mother i have.
my hair is the longest it's been ever in my life. i often say 5 more minutes of cardio then get off after 2.

i have yet to love as hard and as madly for a boy as i once did and i often wonder if i ever will again. and i can admit that.

patience. patience. patience….you and i have had a battle for most my life but i am learning to surrender to you.

friendship is awesome. family is everything.

even though i'm not quite 30 i hope that when i get there i will be as wise, as real, as open, as honest, and as beautiful as my friends who have gotten there before me (thats you linda).


if you're wondering who linda is….

click here: http://lindaontiveroz.wordpress.com/2013/09/24/two-giant-steps/

forgiveness

i think it's hard sometimes to not live in the past. decisions we make are often influenced by a once upon a time yesterday.

like an itchy tag we are annoyingly and continuously reminded of that one time when life knocked us down, when someone hurt or betrayed us, when a part of our being was chipped away by the uncontrollable.

the sad truth about our past (which not all of our past is sad) but the sad truth about the parts that are, the annoying itchy tag parts, is that we hold grudges and allow our hurt or sadness to radiate through to our future, affecting our actions and our beliefs.


we never really wipe the slate clean it's much easier said than done.
it's difficult to really 'let it go' and whatever 'it' is controls us.

it penetrates our soul, it consumes us.

it seems impossible to move away from the hurt, to rip out the itchy tag.
but it's not.


we have a way out.

we have forgiveness.


forgiving is the only way to 'let it go' it's the only thing that makes any sense.
we were not given a future if we were meant only to live in the past unable to forgive.

but forgiveness doesn't mean you forget about the times life knocked you down and it doesn't grant trust back to the people who have hurt you. all it does is make it okay that it happened.

we were given tomorrows so that we may forgive and move on and if you can't do that, then you will always live in a yesterday still annoyed by the itchy tag.

the longer we hold a grudge the less time we have to forgive and that means we have less opportunities.

less opportunities to forgive and move on.
less opportunities to grow and learn.
without forgiveness we can not truly live for our diminishing tomorrows because one day, without question, we will have less tomorrows and more yesterdays.
so forgive.

all we need to say

The past 3 mornings I have woken up feeling empty, images of smiling kids are shot like lightening through my mind. Noah, Grace, Ana, Olivia, Chase and devastatingly enough that list goes on. These children are smiling from another world today, one that is perfect and safe. However, pieces of them are still here, in now what is an even more broken and chaotic place and the shattered pieces they left behind must learn to beat without them.

I read the news, the posts and opinions on this tragedy. Everyone has something to say. Everyone. And I ask myself, what is it that I have to say?

People are using it as an example of this and the reason for that, and it disgusts me. Bending and shaping what happened to reinforce their own beliefs on God, guns and mental health. Why do we demand immediate answers? Why must we instantly place the blame?

Everyone is asking how? How does this happen? How do we prevent it? As if the answer is on page 37.

So what if it was.

Before we begin to heal we have to have a solution? We have to hear an expert’s take on it all and then we can sleep a little better at night? I’ll be honest, I don’t like thinking about it. It makes me sad. I think about the community and the men and women who arrived at the scene, the teachers, and the children. I think of the people who are badgered by the media with questions. I think about the families, the brothers and sisters. And I think about my own family and friends and their children and I think about the fear now forced upon them when they drop their kids off at school.

We are broken, and beginning to heal starts with us taking responsibility for our own actions. Letting go of our selfish intuition. It starts with doing the right thing every time. Somewhere along the way we began believing we are the end all. That we are bigger than this world, that we are somehow untouchable and not responsible. We need to evaluate our place here and start believing in something bigger than ourselves.

So I ask myself what do I have to say? I have to say I am sorry. To the families who have lost unjustly and to the community as a whole, there are no answers, and while your hearts learn to beat in pieces and as you try to breath, know that I am sorry. And maybe, right now, that’s all we need to say.

adding ice cubes

i was so hung over that it was physically impossible for me to stand, the thought of food about put me into convulsions…what is worse than a hang over?
a hang over on thanksgiving.
what is worse than a hang over on thanksgiving?
nothing.
except maybe a hangover on thanksgiving in front of mary. bless her heart she showed up and thought i had caught the flu…i'm not a liar, so when she asked if i was sick i truthfully replied from a safely shriveled up fetal position, "not really grandma, i'm hung over like you wouldn't believe."

bless her heart again she thought my hang over was subject of peer pressure...
oh yes… no that was not the case. i owed this fantastically torturous hangover to me and only me... well maybe me and Jimmy Russell's Wild Turkey 101, but anyhow…peer pressure did not claim this thanksgiving nightmare, yours truly did…and even though that was probably the most miserable thanksgiving to date it's the only one with a significant memory for me.

so there you have it…my '30 days of thankful' summed up into one beautiful mary memory.

i am truly thankful for these small memories with monumental meaning.
i'd probably rather chew my own arm off than ever be hung over like that on a holiday based around eating again. but if it meant i'd get to hear mary's advice on how to water down the same drink all night by adding ice cubes as a means to dodge the peer pressures of social drinking, i'd do it…
...nostrovia grandma.

these are my cousins, they knew mary well and will appreciate this post. i love you guys!

wishes

riley faye:

i hope you laugh just as loud and as vibrant as your mother

i hope you are kind just like your father

i hope when the world seems dark and grey you are always able to find the light

don't ever be afraid to love

don't ever be afraid to lose

always go fishing when he asks

always help with the dishes when she doesn't

sing along to every song

never pass up a chance to dance

believe in magic and fairy tales but more importantly in yourself

i know you will grow up beautifully in the arms of my very best friend...but these are just a few wishes I have for you.

unbreakable

i received my first ever request to write some words today. a friend said i needed to write something "uplifting". so the pressure is on...

uplifting?

up·lift  (p-lft) tr.v. up·lift·ed, up·lift·ing, up·lifts 1. To raise; elevate. 2. To raise to a higher social, intellectual, or moral level or condition. 3. To raise to spiritual or emotional heights; exalt: music that uplifts the spirit. adj. (plft) Uplifted. n. (plft) 1. The act, process, or result of raising or lifting up. 2. An effort or a movement to improve social, moral, or intellectual standards. 3. Geology An upheaval.

life is made up of unchangeable moments.

there are no re-dos, but in every moment we decide. 

we decide how these moments will affect us, how we will react and respond. we decide whether we will live aware or whether we will walk mindless.

mindlessness is easy. to not care takes no effort at all. any

individual can be mindless. anyone can be weak. 

worthless is easy.

living aware. being mindful. being awake. 

that is not as easy. to pay attention to the pain in your life that you would much rather ignore takes strength. acknowledging your struggle takes courage. 

throughout my life i have become familiar with moments of numbing sadness, with the silent ignorance of giving in and giving up. i know what it's like to feel broken and irreparable. but in these moments i choose to stop the mindless devastation, to live aware and awake and that gives me courage to accept, understand and find peace in my moments of struggle. 

acceptance.

understanding.

peace.

when you take a hefty fall to rock bottom it is not easy to accept why you are there. when you feel you've been stripped of your happiness when you cannot breathe, beginning to understand why, seems impossible. and when anger and hate consume you, peace seems unimaginable. 

but as individuals we decide what is impossible, unimaginable and acceptable. you decide whether you can accept and understand your pain and if you will be able to make peace with your struggle. acceptance, understanding and peace are the greatest contributors to inner and personal strength, all you have to do is allow yourself the heightened condition.  

you do not owe sadness and pain to anyone, it gets you nowhere. if you cannot understand it, it only hinders your personal strength and tells the world you are weak. 

i believe we all have the power to rise against our struggle, to be uplifted from our lowest of lows.

i believe we can be mindful in every moment. 

i believe we can make peace with our pain...because in a life of unchangeable moments we decide whether or not we will be...unbreakable.