my rearview mirror

you were there. so tiny and ornery. and i loved you.

i couldn't wait to pick you up. to parade you around. to ask you about your day and to hear your goofy little voice.

you asked so many questions. you wanted to know everything. how was this made. what does this do. where does this come from. i hardly ever knew the answer. it didn't seem to matter. we just talked.

you wiped every single kiss off.

every. 
single. 
one.

but always with an ear to ear smile.

sometimes you were there. 

asleep. 

heavy and in a dream and tiny in my arms. 

i would carry you to your dad. my heart completely melted by your slow little breaths on my neck. and without your permission i soaked every second of it up.


i loved the times you LET me hold you. it wasn't often. but i can still feel you there. on my lap. with your overly gelled hair prickling my chest.

theses moments are so dear to me.

i still hear that goofy little voice. it echoes so meaningfully in my heart.

i can't help but to always remember you this way.

in my dreams and in my heart you are forever small.

a little boy who i helplessly and completely adored.

though there are many more memories of you growing up i hold onto these precious moments so much more tightly than the others.

you will never be forgotten. you made too great an impact.

tomorrow you will be 18. a full-fledged adult. you'll be celebrating in another place. a place i will see you in someday.

but until that day.

you are there. tiny and ornery in my rearview mirror. 

and i love you.


happy birthday, brycee boy. 

02.03.2016

i feel selfish. i have been writing, but i have not been sharing my words. i really don't have an explanation for why. sometimes i feel what i have to say is too repetitive. i tend to think about the same things, ponder the same ideas and question the same frustrations. sometimes i feel bitter and whiney and who wants to share that?

however, it's time i shed some light on someone else's words.

as some of you may know i attended a funeral yesterday.

i had to say goodbye to a baby boy who i had yet to say hello. it was hands down one of the most overwhelming experiences of my life.

we were given a memorial program when we arrived at the church and it was full of words. words i didn't have the strength to read at the time.

i knew what was written on those pages would change me, that i would remember them forever.  and because of that i felt i had to read them alone.

with my eyes full of tears, barely getting through a sentence without stopping to wipe them dry i finally read the program.

i want to share with you all  some of what was written.

because their son was not able to spend a full life here on Earth my friends asked if we would do two things for him.

1. Slow…down…your…life…

2. Be caring and compassionate to others


i don't think these two things require explanation or elaboration just a simple reminder.

and from the hearts of two grieving parents, "be a good and kind person every day of your life."

rest easy little brooks
i'll see you when i get there

when fear sets in

 coming soon...

lemon cake

Less than two weeks after I had been hand delivered a lemon cake my phone rang at 6 am. My brother had been in an accident and in a sleep deprived state of mind I became hysterical. Alone and confused and several hundred miles away from my family I grabbed my things and started driving home. When you get a phone call like that a million terrifying things go through your mind and about zero good things do. When I got to my parents house 3 hours later there was no one there, my parents were already on their way to the hospital and I was waiting to catch a flight from Rock Springs to Idaho Falls. When I walked into the house on the kitchen counter there was the tupperware container that the lemon cake had been in.

Well a little over a year later I was nominated by the lemon cake maker to do a 7 day thankfullness challenge. The first thing that popped into my head, "I AM THANKFUL FOR LEMON CAKE" and let me tell you why. When I walked into that empty house and saw the empty cake container I no longer felt as alone. Thinking of that random act of kindness I was overcome with gratitude. Someone who I hadn't seen in over 10 years had made this cake for me for no reason other than she remembered how I absolutely loved it the day she had made it for her son's birthday party. A birthday party I had attended when I was probably 13 or 14 years old. (Side note: When I was 15 years old I had my appendix removed and she made me the very same cake to cheer me up. I didn't forget).

Now let me be honest, this is not a woman I am overly close with. Her son and I went to school together for years, but I couldn't tell you her maiden name or even her birthday for that matter but at a time when I felt completely hopeless the sight of that cake container reminded me of how beautiful the world can be. It reminded me of how utterly grateful I am to have grown up in a town where people like the cake maker still live.

It's funny the things that go through your head when you're in "crisis mode" the mental reminders you give yourself when feelings of panic and hysteria consume you. I would have never thought a random act of kindness could mean so much. Life is full of ups and downs, we all know that. The part we don't know is how to handle the downs. I kept thinking about the lemon cake, about how lucky I was that someone would do something so special for me, someone who I hadn't spoke to or seen in years. I felt less alone and I felt so incredibly grateful and incredibly special. I was home for my best friends wedding when I had been given this cake and at the time I had no idea the significance it would have on my life.

For me, knowing there's someone out there willing to make me a cake is more than enough to get through the lowest of lows. We might say, "it's the little things" that matter the most and honestly I think it's true. I try to appreciate my life on every level. I am so thankful for the place I was raised and for the people who surrounded me.

I know this isn't 7 days but it felt like the right time to share my words about the lemon cake and how special it has made me feel. How it gave me hope and comfort during a scary time and reminded me of how good the world can be.

that song

you know the song you use to love?

that one you listened to over and over and over until you were sick of it and never wanted to hear it again? you took it off all your playlists and you forgot about it... you became annoyed when you heard it....

but then, years later it pops up on your pandora, spotify, iTunes radio and you forget that you hated it.

and you remember why you loved it. where you were the first time you heard it. how it sort of defined you in that moment.

everything sort of pauses and the feeling sort of consumes you.

you know again why you played it endlessly...it's like an alcoholic relapse.

that happened today. and i smiled because there is so much uncertainty in my life 

and it sometimes scares the living shit out of me

but today when that song came on...

i thought of you
and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

what's a year?

more often than not new years eve is perceived as a celebration of moments passed.
we use this holiday to reflect on the year and "ring in" the new one. but really what is a year? is it more than just a trip around the sun?

personally i always feel new years is wasted hype, overpriced fun ending at 3am in freezing disappointment and sore feet.
any self respecting female living in the midwest knows what i mean right?

anyway, i have this friend. i met her in march and though i didn't know it at the time she was several months in on something awesome. she had been great friends with a handful of my own friends for quite some time yet for some reason, we had never met.

about an hour into our St. Patricks celebration i knew this new friend of mine was someone special. as the night went on we were sitting around, drinks in hand and she told me she was on a journey. she was going to travel and do all these things she had never done.

and she did.

she went to Portland, Nicaragua, Austin, Cabo, Canada, Budapest and several other places. she ran a marathon, jumped off the stratosphere, and a million other things. but even before she did all these things, on the night we met i couldn't help but think, 'wow, this woman is a down ass bitch. i like her style. i'm glad we met.' and you're thinking the same right?

so what does this have to do with new years?

i don't really know except that her journey was only going to be for a year. and when it was over she was going to throw a party, excuse me, a gala….is there a difference? yes. you wear much awesomer outfits to a gala than you do a party. is awesomer a word? no.

but to continue with my point of these marymary words and what a year is...

saturday i attended the gala for my friend. as soon as we walked in the door there was this book for all the guests to sign. it was a book to write a future commitment to her.

to be honest it sort of caught me off guard, as cool as her journey was i assumed we would write our favorite memory from the year passed…well, here's the thing, she is smarter than me.

as i have mentioned in previous posts i think a lot about the past. moments that have come and gone.
reflection is great...but this book...it was for the future.

she had this incredible year that was kick started by life knocking her down a little bit. she did all these marvelous things, traveled everywhere and she was already thinking about her next move? what? like i said….she is a down ass bitch.

sometimes i think God waits to put people in your path for reasons that can only be understood after years of friendship. i think she is one of those people.

and maybe she doesn't know it because this year was about her own personal reflection and self exploration but her journey was inspiring on levels much needed in a young females life.

it changed my perception of love and the aftermath of when it is lost, how it can be overflowing with friends, rich in adventure, wine, and growth.

it changed my perception of how far a person can go and keep going, how they can change lives and inspire and not even know it.

it changed my perception of what it means to rise above and make every moment matter that much more, and when those moments have passed you by, you plan to make more.

and it changed what a year means to me. it can be filled with sadness and heartache. it can be spent working too much and relaxing too little. it can be full of disappointments or it can be full of joy and success. 

a year is a milestone of where you choose to go next, it's not just about where you've been.

and my friend, 

your year was much more than 365 days, it was the #yearofkelsey and it changed a piece of me.

may your future adventures continue to change the hearts of those in your path.

"Promise me you'll always remember:

you're braver than you believe

and stronger than you seem,

and smarter than you think."

-A.A.Milne

my mindy melinda

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.' ― C.S. Lewis




this quote could not be more true when it comes to my friendship with mindy. she is hands down one of the best.


19 things about you and me:

tomorrow is your birthday and we have been friends for over a decade

i love when something interests you, you become completely passionate and dedicated to learning everything about it

my favorite thing about us is that we met in a dug out and our first conversation revolved around cellulite and body fat

if i need to be told "how it is" i can always count on you to be honest with me

over 10 years ago we made a video making fun of reality TV and it's still hilarious "Sadie Hawkins, why are you going through my MAIL!?" 

there have been times i've laughed so hard with you that my body physically hurts

i admire the strength, patience, and commitment you have when it comes to your family

you have so much creativity to offer the world and i know one day the right opportunity will come along for you to showcase it

you can admit your flaws and weaknesses and you're always trying to be a better person today than you were yesterday and that is awesome

there is not a single bodily function we can't laugh about together

i love the kind of mother you are, the realistic, nurturing, playful, kind, heartfelt, sometimes antagonistic, always loving, honest, humorous and simply put, great….you're a great Mom

i really miss the youth of our friendship, the ignorance we shared, how we were constantly learning things the hard way together, and i really miss driving around in the Eagle Premier  

to this day i still say things out loud to other people that only you would understand, "something smells like ham" "venereal ave" "we got trouble here in river city" "your spider scare me" "please bless" "is someone having a weenie roast" "shoobie doobie doobie" "we have all kinds of bamboo shoots" the list could go on…and on

my relationship with God grows stronger because of my friendship with you

i think from the moment we met we knew we'd found a friend for life

we can be unbelievably silly with each other about absolutely nothing

your marriage is an inspiration and reflection of true love

i'll never forget how much you've been there for me over the years through some of the toughest times in my life, how you'd hold my hand and pet my head as i endlessly cried over my broken heart

i miss you everyday and i hope you know how special you are, how lucky i feel to call you my friend, how much i trust you to always be there for me and how i will always be there for you. i hope you have the most wonderful birthday. 




i love you