thankyou

A million thanks would not be enough for the birthday wishes and love you all sent my way today. I received a text from one of my dearest friends last night and I quote:

…it's almost your birthday friend! I wanted to be the first to wish you a happy one, but I'll never make it to midnight. In a soul path searching time, I hope celebrating 26 years of life reminds you how rich you are in memories, and fortunate to have good friends and family that make life worth it.

That about sums it up. I celebrated in gratitude today for the people in my life that I sometimes don't deserve. People who have fallen between the cracks, but are never forgotten, and all the others who hold me together daily. Thank you to everyone that took the time to wish me a Happy Birthday, it meant the world to me. I am truly a very lucky person with an awesome web of friends. I love you all.

anxiety

I don't even know how to start this blog. So many thoughts are racing through my head and what I think I want to say comes out in desperate, teret-like nothings. I am a fish out of water. Well let me put it frankly I'm a fucking mess. The wall I've spent years building for protection has been stripped. My "comfort zone" feels more like a street curb. I sit on this street curb with my head down, hands clenching the back of my neck, elbows pins between my knees my toes gripping the inside of my shoes, this is my attempt at holding inside, what is left of me. The only thing I feel is the panic in my heart, my only thought, "is this seriously me right now?" Is this really it, I came all the way to 26 to be unimpressed by the" lack there of" what I thought would be my life?