Once you have become grateful for a problem, it loses its power to drag you down. On the contrary, your thankful attitude will lift you up into heavenly places with God. From this perspective, your difficulty can be seen as a slight, temporary distress that is producing in you a transcendant glory to never cease (2 Corinthians 4:17).

this day...

was the best day. 

searching

it will exhaust you. especially if you search endlessly for that"blank sheet of paper". i don't know everything, well i don't really know much. but what i do know is that happiness will never be found if your lost within yourself. what do you mean, "lost within yourself"? well honestly i don't really know what i mean. but take a step back for just a minute and mentally remove yourself from all your

insecurities

jobs

relationships

responsibilities

take away your

facebook

your 

bad habits

the routines

that nightly glass of wine

your

iphone

ipad

ilife

all your

obligations

irritations

frustrations

and most importantly your fears.

now ask yourself what is left. once you clear the clutter you might find the path, shoot maybe there is a yellow brick road in there somewhere. figure out where you are, and where you want to go next. find yourself and make a move... oh here comes a baby step. 

we are all searching for that lifetime of happiness. some of us find it. sadly, i think the majority of us are afraid of it.


so i  say, find that happiness and throw fear right in its face. see what happens. see who wins…i'll put my money on happiness. 

reflection

how to lose

fall in love with nothing.

rehearse the words, never let them pass your lips.

wait for forever.

slow dance dreams around your heart. 

let your best days be history. 

fall in love with everything... ask for nothing.

that is how to lose. 

one step

...with one step and one breath we slowly

bridge our dreams to reality…

…everything today.

It's gorgeous here.

I've said it before and I will say again. If I was lucky enough to grow up in Wyoming, I was lucky enough.

(Please remind of me of this come May and it's still snowing.)

Whatever though- today is special.

Every window and door is wide open allowing the fall air to drift through and send small goose bumps across my skin.

And

I can't help but to fall in love with everything today.

7x8=?

"just let it go". i agree. sometimes there are things in life we need to detach ourselves from. relationships, people, events. i think it's human nature to hold onto things that have impacted our lives. but rather than always trying to convince ourselves to let go of what is impairing us, why don't we attach ourselves to something that does the opposite.

shift focus towards what strengthens us. i have always felt incredibly lucky because i was raised by people who embraced my strengths. if i sucked at something, which i did a lot, i wasn't forced to do it.

…what the heck right? you're just a big fat quitter? well pause for a second. here's a scenario:

"hey abby, you suck at math so we are going to put you in this special little closet sized room where you and all the other little derelict math students can sit around together and we can focus on how bad you are at simple math."

wow…so much for self esteem and confidence. i'll probably spend the rest of my life trying to be everything i am not because i'm insecure and feel like a loser. is it more important that i learn what 7x8 equals or that i grow up feeling secure, confident, happy? i don't know. i vote happy.

thankfully i never really gave a shit about what i sucked at and still don't today. you'll never see me:

sew on a button

ride my bike on anything but the sidewalk.

wear khaki pants

drink tequila

play basketball

teach algebra

ski on snow

go 5 minutes on a stair master

run a marathon

cook an omelet

reach the top shelf

the list goes on...

honestly, yes it's important to learn to read and write, but how about strengthening our strengths? and i am not just talking with children, i'm talking about you, me and everyone right now.

working hard is important but working hard at something you suck at isn't going to make you feel good. working hard at something you are good at will give you confidence and self esteem. two key components to "letting go".

forget all the stupid motivational sayings. attach yourself to everything positive in life. do shit you are good at. try new things, give it a whirl, if it's not your thing, find something that is... feel good about yourself everyday. focus on your gifts from above-everyone has them. but if you spend your whole life fixing the "imperfections" when will you have time to perfect the perfections?

by the way…what is 7x8?

above is a photo of myself and a very special lady who has reminded over the years of the things i am good at- even when i'm not sure i am. she is one of many incredible people in my life but tonight as i write my marymary words i have her in my heart.

friendships...

when you least expect it...they find you.

they patch up the holes.

they wrap a smile around your heart.

and when life is at a stand still they reach out...remind you what feels like to move again.

friendships.

everyday

shades of orange and yellow replace the green,

my tan is fading,

and i still think of you.

everyday.

the gym

i do a lot of thinking when i am at the gym, zoned out, people watching kind of thinking. my friend suggested i turn some of my thoughts into a blog post. so here you go. below you will find random thoughts that go through my head while at the gym. i hope you enjoy.

gym thoughts:

sir, you are on the treadmill backwards you know that right?

did you really need a lifting belt for that?

sunglasses? really?

why don't you use some MORE chalk

i am not strong.

that is in no way considered exercise.

dude, no guy is suppose to use the abduction machine.

that looks impossible

we get it you can do 80 katrillion pull ups, do you even need to be here?

are you drinking coffee?

when i catch people doing a gym selfie i think: actually i don't really think much of anything i sort of just puke in my mouth a little 

it smells like coconut lime verbena and ball sweat in here.

have i seriously only been running for 3 minutes?

wow that is a lot of eyeliner for the elliptical

i don't think under armour is suppose to be THAT tight

why aren't you wearing shoes?

how come i can see your nipples?

my mom goes to zumba

i can smell your abercrombie and fitch man perfume from 10 ft away

the old man is running faster than you, step it up.

there is a lot of hugging going on here

this stretch looks weird i can feel it

is that a panty line? for real?

how come the foreigners don't change their clothes?

are you doing ballet?

...and more proof you can't tan away your cellulite.

seriously i have only been running for 5 minutes?

holy mid-life crisis with your sports bra and C-section scar

anything over 5 lbs feels heavy

should i get some ankle weights?

what. the. fuck?

shit, i have underwear bigger than your work out shorts, dammit.

no really YOU'RE doing it wrong.

"sir this machine is jammed, oh you don't work here…?"

so would you say those are gardening gloves?

did i just whistle that whole song out loud?

i wonder if i'm doing this right…it sure feels wrong

no really, why are your shoes off!?

it looks like you put glue on your thighs and rolled around in someones shaved pubic hair

how come the only thing sweating is my hands?

i hope no one saw me roll my ankle.

it's a scale, not a fairy God Mother.

please don't trip, please don't trip.

nice camel toe. uhhhh

oh my god is this exercise ball deflating? shit.

hey there, um you forgot to take off your fedora…

bumblebee tuna

is that a Seinfeld tattoo?

….shit you caught me staring.

ok those are some awkward leggings dude

when someone interrupts me to ask "how many sets do you have left?" my thoughts: 100, i have 100 sets left seriously shut up, it's either 1 or 2 right? how often do you run across someone doing 35 sets? get away from me and wait your turn like a normal human

stop. grunting.

i wonder if anyone will notice if i just sit here

you're in my way. you're in my way. you're in my way. i hate this place.

it's that feeling

i'm up later than usual. i'm trying to get my words written. i know if i don't i will lay awake while they run through my head. i've got that feeling in my stomach. i'm so happy to look back having made some incredible memories but at the same time my throat has that kind of "might cry" lump because i wonder if some of those moments and memories are the last of their kind.

i rolled my window down to wave goodbye because for some unusual reason she wanted to watch me pull away- she never did that. as i looked out my passenger side i saw her peek through her screen door and wave. it's that feeling in my stomach. the lump in my throat shifted instantly to a deep breath, while my eyes welled up with tears and i held it in afraid to exhale, a part of me knew that was going to be the last time i waved goodbye to mary.

yesterday afternoon i sat alone on the deck of one of my favorite places in the world. i listened to the leaves as the wind tried to rip them free from their branches and i wondered if one of my angels was telling me to pay attention. it's that feeling in my stomach. the lump in my throat rose, my eyes felt warm with tears and my mind flooded with memories. just like the branches desperately held onto their leaves i pulled in every memory from that lake as if they might rip from my mind. i could have sat there for hours and watched the lake turn from glass to white caps and everything in between until the sun finally surrendered to the moon.

it's funny how your heart will attach itself, how you'll fall in love with something over and over and never even realize it.

that was the last time i waved goodbye to mary.

it's that feeling

…in your stomach…

you better pay attention.

…when it isn't.

it is 8:55 am. coffee is on and i am eating a drumstick ice cream cone for breakfast. i've been wanting to write this blog for a while but it never comes out the way i want. so here is another attempt.

this whole big thing we call "real life" seems to be a challenge for not only myself but for just about everyone i know. i hear, "i just need a change" more times than i ever thought i would. i have opened up to many of my friends about where i am in life and all the 'whats next for me?'thoughts. more often than not, they are nodding and saying "me too". is anyone ever content? are we suppose to settle? because if so…how do you know when you've capped? i guess i don't know when it is, but i sure as shit know when it ISN'T.

Isn't the right…

job.

guy.

time.

decision.

hair cut.

idea.

direction.

shoe size.

thing to say.

place to be.

i spent 6 months waking up telling myself,

"this is not my life."

and it wasn't. looking back it was all the things that it wasn't. it wasn't the right job or right guy or decision. do i regret it? no. and i know why.

i had a friend post a blog and she said, I am not a product of myself. I am a product of people, places, and events that have shaped me into the girl I am today."(E.Smith-Brucia)

i don't regret moving to ft. collins and i don't regret being back in laramie. it's all just a mountain and you've got to keep climbing. i knew i had to make that change and i had a lot of words of encouragement along the way. don't get me wrong…i'm far from having it figured out. i don't know where i am going but when i get there at least i'll know if it is, or if it isn't the right place to be.

 Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. -mark twain

i'm glad i didn't waste another minute of my life knowing inside that it wasn't the place to be.

if there are more "it's not's" in your life than there are "it is's" then you have to keep moving. find that happy place. find all the things that life is suppose to be, the wonderful and right things that it is.

because in your heart you know...when it isn't.

sight

Sometimes you lose sight of who you are.

There isn't a single thing better in life than letting a story flow from your heart into the ears of someone who knows exactly what you are saying. They know where your story originated and they need not ask a question about it.

I forget what it's like to not have to explain who is who and what is what. To truly let the words evaporate into the minds of people who have always known you is priceless.

I spent last night sitting around a fire, celebrating a birthday, but more importantly celebrating a friendship. A friendship I've known my whole life.

You never fail to catch sight of who I am when I need it most.

Happy Birthday Bitsy, you mean the world to me.

scars

"I’d like to take a moment to be a little philosophical and begin by saying that we should all be thankful for those who never loved us. I know it seems strange, but it’s true. Reflect on those times when we all thought we had found “it.” We were crazy in love, couldn’t live without it, thought that it was the ‘be all’ and ‘end all’ of our love affairs as we knew it. Now that we have separated ourselves 10 times over, who do we see in those people now? Are we still looking through rose colored glasses? Had we married those people or at least stayed with them a while longer, would it have turned into the romance we see in movies? I would have to say probably not.

It’s hard sometimes when you want it so bad that you believe every opportunity is the right one. I find myself hoping that “this time will be it.” I get tired of hoping that this one will be good to me, and then finding out that I am easy to forget. Am I easy to forget? Can you look at my face and never remember the color of my eyes?

I’ve done my best to love. Isn’t it my turn to be loved?

There are nights when I lay staring at my ceiling, feeling the void next to me in my bed. There are nights when I only sleep with one pillow on my bed, so that the void isn’t so permanent. I don’t think a girl ever gets used to the night. It’s hard to ignore the silence.

Every song seems to remind me that I am forever searching. The rain always seems a little more romantic. Ironically, the sun seems a little more sad. There is a delay in the beating of my heart. And there are days when I can see my scars a little clearer. But I guess I am thankful that I’ve got scars to talk about."-H.C

I did not write this, I wish I had because I think it's beautiful. It's been saved on my computer for years and every now and again I read it. I don't know if there's a soul out there that doesn't relate to these words. For me, reading this gave peace to my once long ago broken heart. So wherever your scars are, I hope by reading this you can learn to be thankful for them.

thankyou

A million thanks would not be enough for the birthday wishes and love you all sent my way today. I received a text from one of my dearest friends last night and I quote:

…it's almost your birthday friend! I wanted to be the first to wish you a happy one, but I'll never make it to midnight. In a soul path searching time, I hope celebrating 26 years of life reminds you how rich you are in memories, and fortunate to have good friends and family that make life worth it.

That about sums it up. I celebrated in gratitude today for the people in my life that I sometimes don't deserve. People who have fallen between the cracks, but are never forgotten, and all the others who hold me together daily. Thank you to everyone that took the time to wish me a Happy Birthday, it meant the world to me. I am truly a very lucky person with an awesome web of friends. I love you all.

anxiety

I don't even know how to start this blog. So many thoughts are racing through my head and what I think I want to say comes out in desperate, teret-like nothings. I am a fish out of water. Well let me put it frankly I'm a fucking mess. The wall I've spent years building for protection has been stripped. My "comfort zone" feels more like a street curb. I sit on this street curb with my head down, hands clenching the back of my neck, elbows pins between my knees my toes gripping the inside of my shoes, this is my attempt at holding inside, what is left of me. The only thing I feel is the panic in my heart, my only thought, "is this seriously me right now?" Is this really it, I came all the way to 26 to be unimpressed by the" lack there of" what I thought would be my life?

continued

It is back and it continues to stir up my allergies and make me miserable. The roof didn't blow off and the wind didn't scoop me up and carry me to NeverNever Land, or some other mythical place I'd like to be. Ugh the wind..it just BLOWS.

This week has been what I like to call, not awesome. It drives me crazy when I cannot find the source of my bad mood (the wind?), sad heart or fragile soul. "What's my problem?" Ever ask yourself that?

I've missed Mary...but why so much this week, and why so intensely? Both my Grandmothers were named Mary. Hence the 'marymarywords'. This Mary wasn't the Mary whom I wrote about before. This Mary was my Mom's Mom.

When my Mom went back to work and I wasn't old enough for Kindergarden I spent weekdays with Mary. She made sure I felt important and was busy doing "big kid" things. (I think she knew I secretly resented being the youngest, but I knew I was special because of it.) When Mary's Alzheimer's developed to the point where she couldn't stay home alone I spent my nights at her house. Making sure she didn't put the electric coffee maker on the stove and finding excuses why she hadn't seen my Grandpa that day.

"He was home at lunch….Remember?"

Trying to explain that he had died some 20 years prior was a lost cause.

"He got called in to deliver a baby Grandma, he said not to wait up."

Most of the time she didn't, the nights she did are the reason why I do crossword puzzles, try to eat more green vegetables and pray to God I don't develop this disease.

This week, for reasons I'm not sure I have missed her more than I ever have. I wonder what she would think of me today and if she secretly sends me reminders of why I loved her so much.

A woman walks by with a purse, so similar to the wallpaper in her kitchen I have to do a double take and laugh to myself. Had you ever seen the wallpaper you'd understand. It was oversized bright yellow flowers, red poppies, and the shade of green that was retired after the 70's and even Crayloa won't make it into a crayon.

The word "piddle" or the phrase "fiddle sticks" somehow flows from my lips. She called the toilet a, "ToTo." Up until about 5 years ago I just thought that was slang, when actually "ToTo" is a really expensive brand of toilets. Who knew?

An old woman walks into my work smelling exactly the way I remember Mary to smell, so exact my eyes welled up.

I guess if you want to believe in something more, believe that no single thing happens without a force behind it. Sometimes it's not just a coincidence. There is a reason for your bad mood, sad heart or fragile soul. You are emotional for a reason (not just PMS) a reason beyond what our brains will naturally conceive.

I called my cousin tonight, told her about how I was missing Grandma, the weird "coincidences" and how I was really emotional about it and didn't know why. Her response, "Her birthday was Monday."

So yes, the wind doesn't always just blow.

and the marymary wind blows

If the roof blew off this house would the wind scoop me up, take me wherever it was headed? To be continued...

marymaryreminders

I wrote this in July of 2009 confused because at 23 I was realizing more than ever before that each day is precious. With recent tragedies happening across the world and even close to home I remember these words and remind myself to take off my watch, tell my friends and family I love them and smile because I had this day and this day was beautiful because of them.

Coming home again...

I took my watch off for this... Not because it is wrapped uncomfortably tight around my left wrist, but because it impersonates the existence of time and words. Words that represent recent and not so recent events in life. Hands striking, interrupting and proudly distinguishing moments of significant and not so significant memories. Times that evaporate into memories and moments that terminate without reason or explanation. This watch only provides a melodramatic snapshot of life.

Without this watch I write with a steady hand, one which will hopefully comfort those who search desperately for a dead end, a safe harbor or at the least, one more drink. I will never understand the ways of the world, and my efforts have proven to fail me more than once. Time after time I am left running exhaustedly towards a blank sheet of paper. I can not erase the misdemeanors of the world and they stain every page I touch down on. I fight continuously to leave a mark of justice, only to be neglected by reality. I crave to experience moments without this watch, but I am constantly reminded of how painfully it disintegrates life’s precious gifts. 

We were born from distant dreams, evolved into nightmares and eventually rest peacefully within our fantasies.

Maybe it is there we take off our watch, not because it is uncomfortable but because we have finally come home again. Thursday, July 30, 2009 at 3:25am

forgiveness

This is Ali. Someday, with her permission I'll tell her story. Until then...

She is here. Beautifully conquering her demons.

Not looking back.

Living her life like a book someone would write.

And I am so thankful she is here.

shampoo.

appreciation. big word. big meaning. under thought of. under used.

i appreciate shampoo.

the man 10 feet from me is wearing carhart overhauls over a carhart long sleeve button up. looks like wyoming's version of a tuxedo. he's on his computer drinking what i assume is a chai tea in a lime green oversized coffee cup. he's wearing a pair of heavy duty steel toed boots. he doesn't mess around with cold temperatures. his face is telling a story. from the looks of it those steal toed boots and him have climbed a foot or two. he's content on his computer, probably looking for the next mountain to climb. he's wearing glasses. i think he is smart. he's not smiling. he's not frowning. he set up his wireless mouse. he's got work to do. or maybe he hasn't figured out the double click, right click multi-click touchpad on his macbook….it took me a while as well. (hang in there buddy you'll ditch the mouse before you know it.) now he's reading the jackson hole daily. but often glances at the computer screen. he has his legs crossed and his wool socks are peaking out. he's not wearing a wedding ring. i bet he was married before. a man that interesting will of course have a great story of the woman he loved and lost. the paper is down now and his left hand, balled into a fist holds his story telling face. his dreadlocks hang far past his shoulders and are lumped into a giant braid that i could probably swing from if i tried.

i appreciate shampoo. he has no need for it.

october&februrary

a long walk home
the air feels empty, though the sun is shining and the sky is cloudless, today is dark and gray to me. your absence is as real as any other day, yet on this day tears stream down my face into an ocean of memories i cannot escape. the wind blows my hair across my face and i smile, not because i am happy, but because i know you would want me to.

Rest in Peace, EA

February 10, 1984 - October 30, 2001

can't teach an old blog new tricks

Finding the words...

Life doesn't always work out like we planned it would and when we get a glimpse of how life has failed us we look for blame, and hope that blame will give us comfort and relief that it wasn't our fault.
But blame will never stay in one spot and it will never bring us comfort or relief, that is why we must look for integrity because with integrity comes hope and with hope comes faith and faith is what you need to turn your back on blame and find comfort in the idea of a new beginning- one you never planned for.
-08 june 2007

Real life and Novocain

Is this real life?

I went to the dentist today. He happens to be my Uncle and he happens to have syringes full of Novocain. On the outside I look normal, as normal as I usually do but inside I feel like I'm missing half my teeth, have a gaping hole in my throat and no bottom lip. I feel like a creature from a Pirates of the Caribbean movie missing part of my face and drooling some weird substance. Effects usually last a couple hours…it has been 3 and I still feel numb. And I feel sorry. Not for myself though but for the unaware Coloradans at Panera Bread who might have happened to get a glimpse of me eating…it's weird. It feels weird and it has to look weird. Ugh, the dentist and his novocain. I bought a cookie, well actually it was free because I'm in the rewards program. I figured if I was going to look like an asshole eating my food it might as well be chocolate. I have to go to work now.

patience

Waiting on the weather. Just do something already. Either shit or get off the pot. Snow or rain. Impatient with weather? Am I OCD, ya just a little. If it's not the weather it's something else. My patience wears thin with just about everything and everyone in my life. I wasn't always that way though, there was an exception. Her name was Mary. She was old.

I never knew her young and I never cared to. She was perfect the way she was and I would wait all day for her. Walking from the car to the grocery store took a day and half but it didn't matter because she was Mary and she was old. Eating a meal lasted a lifetime. I would have scarfed my food down in 8 minutes while she talked about how she hadn't had a McDonalds cheese burger since she took my brother and I there when I was 5. 20 years went by and the cheese burger was the same. I was different. Grown up-kind of, taller than her now and patient. Patient with her life because now at 25 I knew it wouldn't last forever. Mary managed to stay about the same. Same wrinkles. Same grey hairs. It's funny how she never seemed to age. She looked like a Grandma, the same Grandma I always had. I would sit and listen to her talk about being old and how it was the "pits." I agreed with her.

Just thinking about getting old terrifies me a little. It's snowing now- I can stop waiting on the weather to make a decision. It decided to snow. See that's the thing, the stagnate state of life makes me impatient. I need to just wait. What is the rush? Absorb the moments, the seconds and let the weather be what it wants. Stop hurrying life and the people around you. Patience for loved ones, friends and family. Patience for strangers driving you nuts in traffic and even the post office, if you can believe it. Patient for the moments you know you might never have again. I think that's why I would wait for Mary all day. I knew those moments were special, that they were limited and I wanted to remember them forever. My moments with Mary are over now. I hope to find the patience I had for her and use it on the rest of my life… cause really, 20 years from now the cheeseburger will still be there. Be patient.

Very marymary Birthday's

Today is my BFF's birthday. I woke up early to write a special blog for her. So here I sit, coffee already spilled on my favorite sleeping shirt and I'm wondering how to make her day special. It's always a bummer when you get older. Less presents. Less cards. Less phone calls. It's still your birthday, and you're getting OLDER! So we have to have something to look forward to!

So today is about Kaylin. If I had a year to write this blog I would tell you all our story. We have one, and it's one for the books. It started at "Cindy Fisher Basketball Camp" in Laramie, Wyoming somewhere between puberty and braces and it ends, well who knows, If I had my way it'd be sitting on Fremont Lake with a bottle of wine watching Hanna raise her children while we talk about how we "raised" her. We would laugh about the times she made us cry and cry about the times she made us laugh. It'd be a good day, a good way to end our story. But before we get there we will keep fighting the good fight.

Learning.

Laughing.

Growing.

Together.

Analyzing what doesn't need explanation and ignoring the things that do. Just getting by but enjoying the ride.

You deserve all the happiness in the world and an extra bottle of wine on top of that.

So here's to you Kay! Thank you for "our story" I'll never get too old to be your best friend… I hope you won't either.

Some Inspiration

So this blog has been sitting empty for over 6 months. I started one to post pictures, but my camera has been dead for months. I wanted to share some of my adventures. I wanted to speak my mind but it's been empty, just like this blog, just like my soul….okay that is being dramatic my soul is not empty but somewhere along this road I have lost some inspiration. My creative side is wimpy and I'm getting caught up in adult things, forgetting that I will always be a little too cool to grow up for real. Recently a good friend of time started a blog, she is probably one of the last people I'd expect to start writing for the world but she did, and it's great. She's fun, fun loving, hilarious, has a beautiful family and an attitude that rubs off- in a good way. Never too seriously, never too outrageous just a simple, honest girl. And she inspired me. So thank you Linda. I hope you are reading. You better be because I sent you a text to tell you I want you to read my blog.