all we need to say

The past 3 mornings I have woken up feeling empty, images of smiling kids are shot like lightening through my mind. Noah, Grace, Ana, Olivia, Chase and devastatingly enough that list goes on. These children are smiling from another world today, one that is perfect and safe. However, pieces of them are still here, in now what is an even more broken and chaotic place and the shattered pieces they left behind must learn to beat without them.

I read the news, the posts and opinions on this tragedy. Everyone has something to say. Everyone. And I ask myself, what is it that I have to say?

People are using it as an example of this and the reason for that, and it disgusts me. Bending and shaping what happened to reinforce their own beliefs on God, guns and mental health. Why do we demand immediate answers? Why must we instantly place the blame?

Everyone is asking how? How does this happen? How do we prevent it? As if the answer is on page 37.

So what if it was.

Before we begin to heal we have to have a solution? We have to hear an expert’s take on it all and then we can sleep a little better at night? I’ll be honest, I don’t like thinking about it. It makes me sad. I think about the community and the men and women who arrived at the scene, the teachers, and the children. I think of the people who are badgered by the media with questions. I think about the families, the brothers and sisters. And I think about my own family and friends and their children and I think about the fear now forced upon them when they drop their kids off at school.

We are broken, and beginning to heal starts with us taking responsibility for our own actions. Letting go of our selfish intuition. It starts with doing the right thing every time. Somewhere along the way we began believing we are the end all. That we are bigger than this world, that we are somehow untouchable and not responsible. We need to evaluate our place here and start believing in something bigger than ourselves.

So I ask myself what do I have to say? I have to say I am sorry. To the families who have lost unjustly and to the community as a whole, there are no answers, and while your hearts learn to beat in pieces and as you try to breath, know that I am sorry. And maybe, right now, that’s all we need to say.

adding ice cubes

i was so hung over that it was physically impossible for me to stand, the thought of food about put me into convulsions…what is worse than a hang over?
a hang over on thanksgiving.
what is worse than a hang over on thanksgiving?
nothing.
except maybe a hangover on thanksgiving in front of mary. bless her heart she showed up and thought i had caught the flu…i'm not a liar, so when she asked if i was sick i truthfully replied from a safely shriveled up fetal position, "not really grandma, i'm hung over like you wouldn't believe."

bless her heart again she thought my hang over was subject of peer pressure...
oh yes… no that was not the case. i owed this fantastically torturous hangover to me and only me... well maybe me and Jimmy Russell's Wild Turkey 101, but anyhow…peer pressure did not claim this thanksgiving nightmare, yours truly did…and even though that was probably the most miserable thanksgiving to date it's the only one with a significant memory for me.

so there you have it…my '30 days of thankful' summed up into one beautiful mary memory.

i am truly thankful for these small memories with monumental meaning.
i'd probably rather chew my own arm off than ever be hung over like that on a holiday based around eating again. but if it meant i'd get to hear mary's advice on how to water down the same drink all night by adding ice cubes as a means to dodge the peer pressures of social drinking, i'd do it…
...nostrovia grandma.

these are my cousins, they knew mary well and will appreciate this post. i love you guys!

wishes

riley faye:

i hope you laugh just as loud and as vibrant as your mother

i hope you are kind just like your father

i hope when the world seems dark and grey you are always able to find the light

don't ever be afraid to love

don't ever be afraid to lose

always go fishing when he asks

always help with the dishes when she doesn't

sing along to every song

never pass up a chance to dance

believe in magic and fairy tales but more importantly in yourself

i know you will grow up beautifully in the arms of my very best friend...but these are just a few wishes I have for you.

unbreakable

i received my first ever request to write some words today. a friend said i needed to write something "uplifting". so the pressure is on...

uplifting?

up·lift  (p-lft) tr.v. up·lift·ed, up·lift·ing, up·lifts 1. To raise; elevate. 2. To raise to a higher social, intellectual, or moral level or condition. 3. To raise to spiritual or emotional heights; exalt: music that uplifts the spirit. adj. (plft) Uplifted. n. (plft) 1. The act, process, or result of raising or lifting up. 2. An effort or a movement to improve social, moral, or intellectual standards. 3. Geology An upheaval.

life is made up of unchangeable moments.

there are no re-dos, but in every moment we decide. 

we decide how these moments will affect us, how we will react and respond. we decide whether we will live aware or whether we will walk mindless.

mindlessness is easy. to not care takes no effort at all. any

individual can be mindless. anyone can be weak. 

worthless is easy.

living aware. being mindful. being awake. 

that is not as easy. to pay attention to the pain in your life that you would much rather ignore takes strength. acknowledging your struggle takes courage. 

throughout my life i have become familiar with moments of numbing sadness, with the silent ignorance of giving in and giving up. i know what it's like to feel broken and irreparable. but in these moments i choose to stop the mindless devastation, to live aware and awake and that gives me courage to accept, understand and find peace in my moments of struggle. 

acceptance.

understanding.

peace.

when you take a hefty fall to rock bottom it is not easy to accept why you are there. when you feel you've been stripped of your happiness when you cannot breathe, beginning to understand why, seems impossible. and when anger and hate consume you, peace seems unimaginable. 

but as individuals we decide what is impossible, unimaginable and acceptable. you decide whether you can accept and understand your pain and if you will be able to make peace with your struggle. acceptance, understanding and peace are the greatest contributors to inner and personal strength, all you have to do is allow yourself the heightened condition.  

you do not owe sadness and pain to anyone, it gets you nowhere. if you cannot understand it, it only hinders your personal strength and tells the world you are weak. 

i believe we all have the power to rise against our struggle, to be uplifted from our lowest of lows.

i believe we can be mindful in every moment. 

i believe we can make peace with our pain...because in a life of unchangeable moments we decide whether or not we will be...unbreakable. 

twenty-seven

and so it is. twenty-seven years. 

completed. 

i can't help but feel extremely blessed, and inspired. i want to thank everyone who sent wishes and love my way and who have shared in my past twenty-seven years.

i smile knowing it's only just begun. and a shiver of excitement tingles in my spine from the openness that is my tomorrow. 

i have no idea where this next year will take me, or where it won't. but i want to put in words the things i want and or need to remember for the next 27 years. 

so here we go…
i need to remember:

to listen. more than i speak. even if it's just to the wind. 

to smile and breathe.

to find comfort in new beginnings.

appreciate those in my life without expectation.

open my heart everyday to the world.

be self-forgetting in my desires.

i must remember to understand with my head and my heart.

to never carry hate on my shoulder or my tongue. 

i want to always remember the way mary's yard smelled of lilac trees and fabric softener and the sound of the wind chime that hung outside my window.

i cannot forget:

how easily moments can vanish.

how long careless mistakes can last. 

how perfectly my heart beats when full of hope.

i must always remember:

the unforgiving adolescence of my first love and the scars it left behind.

to remember "when it isn't…"

that it's all just a mountain, and i have to keep climbing.

remember nothing is promised or guaranteed.

that nothing is more unrecognizable than my own inner beauty. and that i need to see it in myself and others everyday. 

i cannot forget that without my past, however painful some parts may seem, i am unmovable because of it.

remember:

the pieces of my heart i gave away and to not host bitterness in their absence.

to laugh. to live.

to always be patient.

to never give up.

i must never forget the stillness of mortality and to always move mindfully in it's presence. 

i want to remember the promise of honesty and the ignorance of fear.

to hold in my words the purest form of my being.

to fall in love with chaos.  

and last but not least...to stay forever young. 

perspective

"it's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it."

do you see the glass half empty or half full.

perspective. 

sometimes you have to consider yours.

perspective makes all the difference.

how you choose to handle life's curve balls all depends on your ability to consider the whole. 

i have done my fair share of bitching about the economy and the job market. it's not awesome. i'm fully aware. and i've definitely had my moments of self pity. every time i was rejected or ignored by a company i applied with (which is/was a lot) i doubted myself. i thought "why me?" or i guess, "why NOT me?" and the weight of rejection got heavier.

after several melt downs, and a lot of frustration i started considering the whole. i changed my perspective.

i realized i am where i am because i choose to be here. my decisions, ALL of them, led me to the place i am physically, mentally and emotionally at this very second. and i will say i am content, not satisfied, but content with where i am. i accept that i am competing for jobs against people who are:

smarter

more qualified

less suborn

older

younger

more desperate

and easier to please, than i am or choose to be.

i know that all wonderful things take time. so i have more patience. and with that the weight of rejection is not so heavy. 

i know there is a plan for me and that eventually i will "have it all."

spring

it is the official first day of spring, and i have to say that it actually feels like it. usually theres a lot of snow still piled up, but it's mostly melted and the sun is shining and i'm digging it. i was motivated, by this first day of spring, to give my garage some TLC and do some cleaning,  toss out stuff that has collected over time. get rid of all of those, "well i might use that when…" and ya i'll never use it, ever! well it is time for it to go.

but i am not here to talk about my tidy garage and overflowing trash can. since this is my medium to express my words, i figured i would write about other things that sometimes need some spring cleaning.  things that we don't think much about at times.


we all fall into routine. it's not always a bad thing. routine is good, but it's mundane.


you gotta dust yourself off, tis the season for growing now. mix things up a bit.


you have to get rid of some clutter. clutter that might build up in your heart and in your mind.


do a little spring cleaning for your soul. take one step in a better direction.


start fresh today. breath. and grow.

my past

you are the reason my mind wonders and my pride does not settle.

why my words flow, my mouth smiles and why my heart grows.

if it wasn't for you i would walk oblivious through a forrest of open arms not knowing how to embrace them...

so thank you...to my past. 

nothing breaks a heart better than the walls built between family.

option 'a'

i'd have to say that for 2011 most of the time i went with option A. if you don't know what i'm talking about you'll have to read below. this is a continuation of 'options'


struggle, distance, control. 


for me it's the best way to move on. to let go of the weakness that threatens my security. accepting there are things in life i can not always make easy allows my body to struggle yet provides me with peace of mind. it's a pretty solid balance and it usually gets me by. but please beleive i can lose it in a hot minute. sometimes the frustrations are too much. i swear to God, i am about 2 rejections away from applying at McDonald's but at the risk of receiving that rejection letter i will keep struggling where i am.


distance. it is the best way to find solid ground. the further i remove myself from the things that are ailing me the better i can see the solution. solitary confinement is often appealing. but i usually just end up on a treadmill. distancing myself from those things provides me with the ability to control how i react internally. 


control on every level you are able to you. it's where i smash the feeling of helplessness. where i remind myself i do not owe one minute of my life. i am as free as i am willing and i refuse to lose control.


so struggle, distance and control. and when that doesn't work it's usually onto option C.