my rearview mirror

you were there. so tiny and ornery. and i loved you.

i couldn't wait to pick you up. to parade you around. to ask you about your day and to hear your goofy little voice.

you asked so many questions. you wanted to know everything. how was this made. what does this do. where does this come from. i hardly ever knew the answer. it didn't seem to matter. we just talked.

you wiped every single kiss off.

every. 
single. 
one.

but always with an ear to ear smile.

sometimes you were there. 

asleep. 

heavy and in a dream and tiny in my arms. 

i would carry you to your dad. my heart completely melted by your slow little breaths on my neck. and without your permission i soaked every second of it up.


i loved the times you LET me hold you. it wasn't often. but i can still feel you there. on my lap. with your overly gelled hair prickling my chest.

theses moments are so dear to me.

i still hear that goofy little voice. it echoes so meaningfully in my heart.

i can't help but to always remember you this way.

in my dreams and in my heart you are forever small.

a little boy who i helplessly and completely adored.

though there are many more memories of you growing up i hold onto these precious moments so much more tightly than the others.

you will never be forgotten. you made too great an impact.

tomorrow you will be 18. a full-fledged adult. you'll be celebrating in another place. a place i will see you in someday.

but until that day.

you are there. tiny and ornery in my rearview mirror. 

and i love you.


happy birthday, brycee boy. 

02.03.2016

i feel selfish. i have been writing, but i have not been sharing my words. i really don't have an explanation for why. sometimes i feel what i have to say is too repetitive. i tend to think about the same things, ponder the same ideas and question the same frustrations. sometimes i feel bitter and whiney and who wants to share that?

however, it's time i shed some light on someone else's words.

as some of you may know i attended a funeral yesterday.

i had to say goodbye to a baby boy who i had yet to say hello. it was hands down one of the most overwhelming experiences of my life.

we were given a memorial program when we arrived at the church and it was full of words. words i didn't have the strength to read at the time.

i knew what was written on those pages would change me, that i would remember them forever.  and because of that i felt i had to read them alone.

with my eyes full of tears, barely getting through a sentence without stopping to wipe them dry i finally read the program.

i want to share with you all  some of what was written.

because their son was not able to spend a full life here on Earth my friends asked if we would do two things for him.

1. Slow…down…your…life…

2. Be caring and compassionate to others


i don't think these two things require explanation or elaboration just a simple reminder.

and from the hearts of two grieving parents, "be a good and kind person every day of your life."

rest easy little brooks
i'll see you when i get there