what's a year?

more often than not new years eve is perceived as a celebration of moments passed.
we use this holiday to reflect on the year and "ring in" the new one. but really what is a year? is it more than just a trip around the sun?

personally i always feel new years is wasted hype, overpriced fun ending at 3am in freezing disappointment and sore feet.
any self respecting female living in the midwest knows what i mean right?

anyway, i have this friend. i met her in march and though i didn't know it at the time she was several months in on something awesome. she had been great friends with a handful of my own friends for quite some time yet for some reason, we had never met.

about an hour into our St. Patricks celebration i knew this new friend of mine was someone special. as the night went on we were sitting around, drinks in hand and she told me she was on a journey. she was going to travel and do all these things she had never done.

and she did.

she went to Portland, Nicaragua, Austin, Cabo, Canada, Budapest and several other places. she ran a marathon, jumped off the stratosphere, and a million other things. but even before she did all these things, on the night we met i couldn't help but think, 'wow, this woman is a down ass bitch. i like her style. i'm glad we met.' and you're thinking the same right?

so what does this have to do with new years?

i don't really know except that her journey was only going to be for a year. and when it was over she was going to throw a party, excuse me, a gala….is there a difference? yes. you wear much awesomer outfits to a gala than you do a party. is awesomer a word? no.

but to continue with my point of these marymary words and what a year is...

saturday i attended the gala for my friend. as soon as we walked in the door there was this book for all the guests to sign. it was a book to write a future commitment to her.

to be honest it sort of caught me off guard, as cool as her journey was i assumed we would write our favorite memory from the year passed…well, here's the thing, she is smarter than me.

as i have mentioned in previous posts i think a lot about the past. moments that have come and gone.
reflection is great...but this book...it was for the future.

she had this incredible year that was kick started by life knocking her down a little bit. she did all these marvelous things, traveled everywhere and she was already thinking about her next move? what? like i said….she is a down ass bitch.

sometimes i think God waits to put people in your path for reasons that can only be understood after years of friendship. i think she is one of those people.

and maybe she doesn't know it because this year was about her own personal reflection and self exploration but her journey was inspiring on levels much needed in a young females life.

it changed my perception of love and the aftermath of when it is lost, how it can be overflowing with friends, rich in adventure, wine, and growth.

it changed my perception of how far a person can go and keep going, how they can change lives and inspire and not even know it.

it changed my perception of what it means to rise above and make every moment matter that much more, and when those moments have passed you by, you plan to make more.

and it changed what a year means to me. it can be filled with sadness and heartache. it can be spent working too much and relaxing too little. it can be full of disappointments or it can be full of joy and success. 

a year is a milestone of where you choose to go next, it's not just about where you've been.

and my friend, 

your year was much more than 365 days, it was the #yearofkelsey and it changed a piece of me.

may your future adventures continue to change the hearts of those in your path.

"Promise me you'll always remember:

you're braver than you believe

and stronger than you seem,

and smarter than you think."

-A.A.Milne

my mindy melinda

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.' ― C.S. Lewis




this quote could not be more true when it comes to my friendship with mindy. she is hands down one of the best.


19 things about you and me:

tomorrow is your birthday and we have been friends for over a decade

i love when something interests you, you become completely passionate and dedicated to learning everything about it

my favorite thing about us is that we met in a dug out and our first conversation revolved around cellulite and body fat

if i need to be told "how it is" i can always count on you to be honest with me

over 10 years ago we made a video making fun of reality TV and it's still hilarious "Sadie Hawkins, why are you going through my MAIL!?" 

there have been times i've laughed so hard with you that my body physically hurts

i admire the strength, patience, and commitment you have when it comes to your family

you have so much creativity to offer the world and i know one day the right opportunity will come along for you to showcase it

you can admit your flaws and weaknesses and you're always trying to be a better person today than you were yesterday and that is awesome

there is not a single bodily function we can't laugh about together

i love the kind of mother you are, the realistic, nurturing, playful, kind, heartfelt, sometimes antagonistic, always loving, honest, humorous and simply put, great….you're a great Mom

i really miss the youth of our friendship, the ignorance we shared, how we were constantly learning things the hard way together, and i really miss driving around in the Eagle Premier  

to this day i still say things out loud to other people that only you would understand, "something smells like ham" "venereal ave" "we got trouble here in river city" "your spider scare me" "please bless" "is someone having a weenie roast" "shoobie doobie doobie" "we have all kinds of bamboo shoots" the list could go on…and on

my relationship with God grows stronger because of my friendship with you

i think from the moment we met we knew we'd found a friend for life

we can be unbelievably silly with each other about absolutely nothing

your marriage is an inspiration and reflection of true love

i'll never forget how much you've been there for me over the years through some of the toughest times in my life, how you'd hold my hand and pet my head as i endlessly cried over my broken heart

i miss you everyday and i hope you know how special you are, how lucky i feel to call you my friend, how much i trust you to always be there for me and how i will always be there for you. i hope you have the most wonderful birthday. 




i love you 

five words

i felt sorry for myself today.

i started thinking about all the bad luck that has come my way and my families way over the years and i felt mad at the universe. 

i feel like there are too many people hurting in my life right now. too many people questioning their faith and anchoring their hope (myself included).

i write a lot about "moving on" about leaving the past in the past. 

about letting go. but even my own words weren't comforting today. 

i just kept getting pissed. it was easier. questioning everything. feeling sorry for myself.
i called to talk to my dad. he seems to always know what to say. as we were talking my mind sort of drifted off...

i remember when i got the phone call, "your brother has been in an accident, you need to call your parents." i really don't remember what happened after that. it was all just a blur of conversations, frantic tears that i never want to shed again and a sense of terrified denial wishing to be woken up…"wake me up, oh my God, please wake me up" all the while knowing it wasn't a dream. 

i find myself going back to that moment sometimes. it's one that plays like a movie in my head and i feel everything all over again. i have to hold my breath just to dictate reality for a second and know i'm in control when i finally let myself exhale. it's probably similar to the relief that someone feels the moment they reach for their ring finger and realize the wedding band is still there. only the realization for me, is that it did happen and because of it, pieces of me have been chipped away.

now don't get me wrong. i know that i am blessed beyond belief and i have a million things in my life to be thankful for. but that doesn't mean i am invincible. i count my blessing every morning. and every night i thank God for the people in my life and the things i have been given. but i am human and sometimes i count my failures, faults, defeats, my tribulations, bad luck and hardships too and tonight i was counting the latter.  

i started thinking about a friend who wrote a blog for me: To you…

"To you…" was written to me and i read it over and over tonight. and she is right when she says that life cannot be fair. and for all questions as to why it can't, there remains a single answer.

"i just don't get it dad, i don't know why all this has happened, i just want to move on, i just want the dark cloud to go away dad. it's not fair. i just wish it never happened" "i know abby, me too, but it's part of your journey."

and there's it is. five words. for all the times i've asked, why?

five words. like 5 nails in a coffin.

it's part of my journey.

not quite 30

so linda wrote a blog about not quite being in her mid 30s. about being okay with where she is and who she is and what she knows…for now.... she finished it with:

"now, your turn…"

so here i go with what i know about being not quite 30…

(this sort of reminds my of my "twenty-seven" blog so  i will try to not be repetitive.)

i will never own khaki pants. not ever. underline never.
i will miss my grandmothers for the rest of my life. and it's weird to say that (the rest of my life) but with certainty i will.
deep down i despise my cell phone. i wish i could survive without it. and because of it i cannot spell worth a shit anymore.

i love unconditionally 99% of the time.

my faith has been tested over and over and i'm not bitter about it.

i worry about things and then i try to pray about them more.

i am terrified to die naked. for real.

i am ok with being single. for real.

people have this weird saying "no regrets" and i think it's stupid. i regret a lot. and i'm okay with that.

i try to get a little bit closer to god every day.
i love to take baths, like almost every night.

i'm okay with the fact that i am still in college. still doing homework and still learning.
that my life today is significantly different from most of my closest friends. and that is okay.

i know apologizing is huge and forgiving is even huger! ya huger guys!

i've learned what is my business and what is not, and about 99% is not my business.

i know i am the luckiest girl in the world to have the mother i have.
my hair is the longest it's been ever in my life. i often say 5 more minutes of cardio then get off after 2.

i have yet to love as hard and as madly for a boy as i once did and i often wonder if i ever will again. and i can admit that.

patience. patience. patience….you and i have had a battle for most my life but i am learning to surrender to you.

friendship is awesome. family is everything.

even though i'm not quite 30 i hope that when i get there i will be as wise, as real, as open, as honest, and as beautiful as my friends who have gotten there before me (thats you linda).


if you're wondering who linda is….

click here: http://lindaontiveroz.wordpress.com/2013/09/24/two-giant-steps/

forgiveness

i think it's hard sometimes to not live in the past. decisions we make are often influenced by a once upon a time yesterday.

like an itchy tag we are annoyingly and continuously reminded of that one time when life knocked us down, when someone hurt or betrayed us, when a part of our being was chipped away by the uncontrollable.

the sad truth about our past (which not all of our past is sad) but the sad truth about the parts that are, the annoying itchy tag parts, is that we hold grudges and allow our hurt or sadness to radiate through to our future, affecting our actions and our beliefs.


we never really wipe the slate clean it's much easier said than done.
it's difficult to really 'let it go' and whatever 'it' is controls us.

it penetrates our soul, it consumes us.

it seems impossible to move away from the hurt, to rip out the itchy tag.
but it's not.


we have a way out.

we have forgiveness.


forgiving is the only way to 'let it go' it's the only thing that makes any sense.
we were not given a future if we were meant only to live in the past unable to forgive.

but forgiveness doesn't mean you forget about the times life knocked you down and it doesn't grant trust back to the people who have hurt you. all it does is make it okay that it happened.

we were given tomorrows so that we may forgive and move on and if you can't do that, then you will always live in a yesterday still annoyed by the itchy tag.

the longer we hold a grudge the less time we have to forgive and that means we have less opportunities.

less opportunities to forgive and move on.
less opportunities to grow and learn.
without forgiveness we can not truly live for our diminishing tomorrows because one day, without question, we will have less tomorrows and more yesterdays.
so forgive.