five words

i felt sorry for myself today.

i started thinking about all the bad luck that has come my way and my families way over the years and i felt mad at the universe. 

i feel like there are too many people hurting in my life right now. too many people questioning their faith and anchoring their hope (myself included).

i write a lot about "moving on" about leaving the past in the past. 

about letting go. but even my own words weren't comforting today. 

i just kept getting pissed. it was easier. questioning everything. feeling sorry for myself.
i called to talk to my dad. he seems to always know what to say. as we were talking my mind sort of drifted off...

i remember when i got the phone call, "your brother has been in an accident, you need to call your parents." i really don't remember what happened after that. it was all just a blur of conversations, frantic tears that i never want to shed again and a sense of terrified denial wishing to be woken up…"wake me up, oh my God, please wake me up" all the while knowing it wasn't a dream. 

i find myself going back to that moment sometimes. it's one that plays like a movie in my head and i feel everything all over again. i have to hold my breath just to dictate reality for a second and know i'm in control when i finally let myself exhale. it's probably similar to the relief that someone feels the moment they reach for their ring finger and realize the wedding band is still there. only the realization for me, is that it did happen and because of it, pieces of me have been chipped away.

now don't get me wrong. i know that i am blessed beyond belief and i have a million things in my life to be thankful for. but that doesn't mean i am invincible. i count my blessing every morning. and every night i thank God for the people in my life and the things i have been given. but i am human and sometimes i count my failures, faults, defeats, my tribulations, bad luck and hardships too and tonight i was counting the latter.  

i started thinking about a friend who wrote a blog for me: To you…

"To you…" was written to me and i read it over and over tonight. and she is right when she says that life cannot be fair. and for all questions as to why it can't, there remains a single answer.

"i just don't get it dad, i don't know why all this has happened, i just want to move on, i just want the dark cloud to go away dad. it's not fair. i just wish it never happened" "i know abby, me too, but it's part of your journey."

and there's it is. five words. for all the times i've asked, why?

five words. like 5 nails in a coffin.

it's part of my journey.